A Romantically Apocalyptic Valentine's Day
by FreelancerRiley
Summary: In the spirit of Valentine's Day, everyone has to do a gift exchange. But wait, what's this locket Snippy found? Okay, bad summary. I can't think of a better one.


A/N: What do you mean, this is a day late? I have no idea what you're talking about...

oOo

"Why doesn't the Good Directorate install towers to let us access ANNET inside of the Dead Zone?" one of the tourists whined.

Charles Snippy had to resist the urge to sigh as he explained, for the millionth time, that it would be a waste of time and money for the Good Directorate to build transmitter towers in the Dead Zone. No-one lived here, and there were to many other factors that could easily prevent the construction of a tower, or worse, destroy one.

"But now we have to move our lips in order to communicate!"

"I'm so sorry for your inconvenience, but you're the one who wants a tour of the Dead Zone. I'm just the guide."

Rule #1 of the Dead Zone: Even if you don't give a shit, at least act like you do. It could save your life one day.

As the G-Directorate Death-Zone All-Terrain-Vehicle stopped at Station A (which was really an abandoned, old-fashioned subway station), Charles reloaded his favorite rifle and got out. Part of his job was to make sure that anything that wanted to eat them was dead before the tourists got out.

Rule #2: Always have a weapon of sorts. Or at least be a good runner.

"Ew. Like, that gun is making me uncomfortable. Could you, like, put that thing away or something?"

"It's either keep this out and have you uncomfortable, or put it away and let you die, ma'am."

"Tch, like, whatever. Have it your way."

Rule #3: Comfort usually never equals safe. Having food/shelter/weapons doesn't mean you'll live to see the next day.

Charles's head was on a swivel. Monsters liked to lurk around Station 3, which was a decaying Hotel from 2012. Last time he was here, he found a non-radioactive calendar from that year. It should still be in the G-Directorate Death-Zone All-Terrain-Vehicle, actually...

His head and gun snapped up as he heard the scream, only to relax moments later as he realized it one of the tourists just found out they didn't have a strong enough signal to ANNET.

Rule #4: Always be aware of your surroundings. Treat every corner, small space, and doorway like there is something about to point out from behind it.

"Snippy."

Charles's head shot up again. Who was calling him?

"Did one of you say something?"

His question was met with confused stares and negative responses.

"Snippy!"

He was starting to think one of the tourists was pulling a prank on him. It wouldn't be the first time, seeing as-

"SNIPPY!"

The sniper was rudely shaken awake.

"Bwah...?" Vivid blue eyes travel up to see Engie's yellow visor staring back down.

"Jesus christ, Pilot wasn't kidding when he said you were a deep sleeper! I was beginning to think you were in a coma!"

Yawning, Snippy got up off of the slab of concrete that served as his bed.

"So, was there something you needed, or did you wake me up just to start bitching at me?"

"Yeah," Engie replied, jerking his thumb behind him. "Captain called a meeting. I don't know what it's about, so don't ask." With that, he walked away.

Snippy sighed in frustration. 'This oughta be good...' Stretching, he donned his mask and sauntered into the other room.

"It's about time you got here, you stupid jiggly-slug! You've made our wonderful Captain wait to give his important speech!"

Snippy didn't even blink at Pilot's outburst. When Pilot was new to the group, the sniper would usually shoot back (ha, ha) a sarcastic remark, but it became quite clear that Pilot didn't speak sarcasm.

"If it was that important, then he would...hey, where _is_ Captain, anyways?"

Said man wasn't in the room.

Confused, Engie replied, "He was is here when I left to wake you up. Pilot, did you see him leave?"

He shook is head. "Nope."

Snippy resisted the urge to sigh. Knowing that man/woman/does it really matter, he'd show up when he was damn ready. You don't find Captain, he finds you.

"Ah, zere you are, mein minions!"

The trio whirled around to see Captain standing in the doorway Snippy just walked out of. (Wait, wasn't that the entrance to the sniper's room?) He was holding that ever-present mug and...an old-fashioned top hat?

"Captain, what is-" Engie started before Pilot cut him off.

"Don't interrupt The Captain, you shoe!"

Engie just threw his hands in the air out of frustration, clearly not used to the pilot's antics.

Walking into the room, Captain placed his mug on the table.

"I wrote down our names and placed zee slips of paper inside of zis hat. Pick one out, and remember: no peeking!"

Pilot eagerly took the first slip of paper, while Engie and Snippy looked at each other. The engineer shrugged and took out a slip as well. Captain took the third, leaving the last for Snippy.

"Now, open up your slips and say out loud vat name you got!"

Simultaneously, they all open their slips.

"I have the shoe's name!"

"I got Pilot."

"Ah, I hafe Mr. Snippy!"

There was silence from Snippy. He didn't need to look at his paper to know that he got Captain, even before everyone else read theirs. He could hear Lady Luck laughing at him.

Silence filled that room as the other waited for the sniper to say who he got. Looking at them, he growled, "Do I really have to say who I got? You already know it's gonna be Captain." Engie chuckled, and Snippy facepalmed as he realized what he just said. Goddamnit!

"Excellent! Now zen, off you go!"

He was about to leave when Engie stopped him.

"Hold on a second! You never told us what these were for."

Captain simply said, like it was the most obvious thing in the world, "It's Falentine's Day in two days." Then he left.

The three came to the same conclusion.

"I want to trade with the jiggly-slug!" Pilot cried out.

"Engie, trade with me. NOW."

"Hell no! I have the easy one!"

Captain's voice drifted in from the other room. "Trading slips is not allowed!"

Huffing, Pilot stormed out of the room. Engie left not too long after.

Snippy stared down at the paper he was holding. 'Zee Captien' was written on it in purple crayon.

What the hell was he going to get Captain?

oOo

After two hours of roaming around the barren landscape, Snippy still hadn't found anything. He had no idea what to get Captain. What _could_ he get him?

Giving up, Snippy went back to the worn-down building they called home. He came across a smirking Engie reclining on the couch. "Any luck?"

Pulling off his mask and respirator, Snippy replied no.

"I got Pilot's gift."

Engie: 1  
Snippy: 0

Snippy glared at the engineer. "You _do_ realize you have to wrap it, right?"

Engie's face fell. "Uh..."

Now it was the sniper's turn to grin as he continued.

"And I'm not telling you where the non-radioactive wrapping paper is."

Engie: 1  
Snippy: 1

Engie scowled at him. He was about to say something when an unmasked Pilot burst into the room.

"You know where the non-radioactive wrapping paper is?!"

Putting his survival gear back on, Snippy replied, "Yup. In fact, I'll tell you. But only if you promise not to tell En...the shoe."

"I'll get something for Photoshop if do tell me!" Engie was clearly getting desperate.

"A shoe like you wouldn't know what to get her!" Pilot snapped at him before rushing to get his survival gear on.

Engie: 1  
Snippy: 2

This round goes to Snippy.

Engie gave Snippy the finger before storming out of the room. His victory was short-lived when Captain suddenly appeared behind him.

"Ah, Mr. Snippy! I vill accompany you to zee vrapping paper, as I hafe your gift to vrap myself."

Snippy was the only one without a gift.

Shit.

oOo

~The next day~

With Valentine's Day tomorrow, Snippy was up and out much earlier than usual. He had to find a gift for Captain! Engie would never let him hear the end of it, and Pilot would probably sit his throat in his sleep for disappointing their 'wonderfully amazing captain.'

It took the sniper a better part of the morning to get to his destination: what used to be an office. It was similar he had worked at before he became a Dead Zone Tour Guide.

...In fact, Snippy was certain that it _was_ the office he used to work at. 'Was' being the keyword here. His Geiger counter was quiet, so he could use something here. The irony wasn't lost on him.

The only thing Snippy found was a coffee mug that said '#1 Boss' on it. It was something Pilot would get, for fuck's sake! Besides, Captain already had that stupid mug with the heart on it (that totally never talked).

Venturing past his old desk, he had to avoid a bunch of shattered glass on the ground. He remembered seeing Captain behind the glass a few times.

Something shiny near his boot caught his eye. Picking the object up, it appeared to be a locket. But he knew better. Snippy's first (and only) girlfriend had given one just like this to him. They broke up the next day. He remember what they were called, 'KeepIt,' because he threw his away soon afterwards.

They were designed to project a holographic photo when opened. But they could only be viewed from a certain angle. To anyone else, it looked like thin air. These things had enough power to last 100 years, even if kept open the whole time. Come to think of it, this KeepIt looked awfully familiar...

~Flashback~

Charles was always observant. For example, he could see a man wearing a gas mask throwing paper airplanes behind the glass to his left. But he never looked for too long because even a brief 'break' like that cost 5,000 credits.

Even so, he couldn't help but watch as someone walked up to the glass, package it hand, and tap on it. The door to his right opened, and he handed the parcel to someone inside.

The brown box was handed to the man with the gas mask. Opening it, they help up a KeepIt.

~End Flashback~

Snippy stared at the silver item in his hand. This was Captain's. What was the picture it held? Friends? Family? Lover? His own picture to feed his ego? Snippy wanted to open it, but he knew he shouldn't. It wasn't his to open. Besides, Captain would most likely walk in on him.

Pocketing the KeepIt, he headed home.

oOo

The next day, Engie and Snippy were rudely awakened by Pilot, who was more excited than a five-year old on Christmas.

"Pilot, calm down," Engie yawned. "It's only Valentine's Day."

His word fell on deaf ears. Pilot wouldn't stop jumping around.

"It's good to see you up, mein minions!" Captain greeted. Clapping his hands together, he said, "Vizout further adieu, let us exchange our gifts!"

Everyone went back to their rooms to get their gift. Snippy put his in a small box with Christmas-themed wrapping paper, which was all that was left.

Upon entering the living room again, he noticed that of all the gifts, the one Captain brought out was the largest. He became immediately suspicious.

"Zee gifts vill be opened in zee order the names were drawn."

Pilot handed his gift to Engie. Unwrapping the present, it turned out to be a few science-y books. Engie stared at them for a few seconds before stammering a 'thank you.'

Pilot went next, eager as ever. Squealing in delight, he pulled out a stuffed rabbit. Pilot threw his arm around the engineer, saying 'thank you' over and over again.

Hesitantly, Snippy opened his gift. Sitting on the couch, he placed the long box on the table. His jaw nearly hit the floor when he saw it was a shiny Sniper Rifle. Where the hell did Captain find this?!

"I am glad zat you like your gift, Mr. Snippy. Now, you can really be sniper!"

Getting over the his shock, Snippy handed him his gift. Opening it, Captain held up the KeepIt in confusion.

"Vat is...?"

"Open it."

To everyone else, there was nothing in the air. But Captain saw whatever the picture was. He stood there in silence for a good 30 seconds. Snippy couldn't see his expression under his ever-present gas mask.

"Um, Captain...?"

Snippy could barely hear him say "Zis...zis is my family..."

Suddenly, Snippy was pulled into a tight hug. "Bwah?!"

"Zank you fery much, Mr. Snippy."

oOo

A/N: Hope you had a happy Valentine's Day!


End file.
